A client asked me in despair: “How do I change Alex?”
He was doing something that most people do which creates suffering, illnesses, depletes energy and makes life miserable: self-loathing.
After coaching consistently for 8 years and studying psychology and what brings us happiness obsessively, I realized that the core of human suffering is the false belief that “I am not good enough and never will be.”
It is what comes up every time I have a breakthrough session with a client or even just talking to someone for a hour.
Why is that? That no matter what many of us accomplish, achieve or others tell us that we are great, we still feel ” I am no good”.
The answer lives in our past, during our childhood. At one point in time most of us had an imprinting time – that means an event that had a high emotional charge and it got stored in our unconscious mind. You can call a trauma, a moment(s) that we felt deep fear, deep hurt, deep sadness, anger or guilt. The higher the charge of the emotion, the more intense that imprint becomes.
Then that imprint shows up in our adult life in the form of thoughts, beliefs and actions. It dictates all our behaviors, because behaviors come from our deep seated limiting beliefs, values and negative emotions.
At that point of “trauma” we make a limiting decision. For example:
- I will never show my emotions because I get in trouble
- I will not BE me because being me gets bullied
- I do everything wrong, I suck
- No matter what I do, I am never loved
- No one cares about what I think or feel
- I lose everyone I love
- I can’t trust anyone
The list goes on…those are general beliefs underneath the greater problem, that we are not good enough, that we are “wrong”, “broken”.
So back to my clients’s question – How do I change Alex?
I can answer that in many ways and I will give you here one simple answer to this complex problem you may think you have.
You DECIDE right now that you will no longer listen to your own narratives that put yourself down. DECIDE to stop judging yourself, being mean to yourself. And DECIDE to be loving, compassionate and kind to YOU.
Just STOP giving attention to all that negative thinking. It is not real, the past does not even exist anymore. Energy flows where attention goes. When you put your energy on those negative thoughts, you can not create a new different future. This is why you see so many books on psychology and self help with titles like “Change your thoughts, change your Life.”
DECIDE TO CHANGE. DECIDE TO CREATE A DIFFERENT REALITY FOR YOU – because you can. You have that power, we all do.
I am not saying that is all it takes. There are also emotions that need to be released from the unconscious mind. This is a start, the change starts in the moment you say ENOUGH, no more. You DECIDE to stop tolerating this self loathing behavior and to keep living small and in fear to BE you.
Many say “I can’t stop”, and I say YES you can. You must want to change and have the courage to become someone other than the one you have been. And that brings fear, fear on the unknown, that is why many people don’t change. They would rather hold on to the misery, the suffering because that is known, you can count on feeling this way today, tomorrow, next month. It is harsh and true for many.
Tony Robbins say we change our lives in the moment of our DECISION. It is true. A decision that comes with 100% commitment to create a different reality, different outcomes. It takes work, discipline just like changing your body by eating good food and working out daily. You must show up at the spiritual, emotional and mental gym and give it all, like your life depends on it. You are worthy, YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Much love, Alex.